Hanging on by a thread
To say I’ve been having a hard time would be an understatement. Don’t get me wrong, some days are better than others, however, for the most part, I feel terrible every day. This whole situation has really worn me down not just physically but emotionally. Lately, a lot of crying has been happening. I used to think I was stronger than this. I literally feel like I am hanging on by a thread.
One of my nurses suggested we buy a scale to keep track of my weight since I didn’t seem to be gaining any weight. I had a feeling this would end up being a bad idea because now it puts me in a shitty mood first thing in the morning when I weigh myself. I lost 16 pounds and have gained 0 back at this point. I am disgusted looking at myself in the mirror. I won’t even let Neil turn on the bright lights in our bathroom because of how hideous and scary looking I am right now. It has consumed my thoughts every minute of every day. I’ve always had a high metabolism and a tough time gaining weight. As a teenager I absolutely hated it because I was bullied for it, but after having 4 kids and eating whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted to, with extra sour cream, I realized how lucky I was. Now that my body is working overtime to heal, it’s burning more calories than normal and I feel like I am 14 all over again. It doesn’t matter how many weight gainer shakes I drink, meals I eat, and Ben and Jerry’s ice cream tubs I devour. I have yet to make any progress gaining weight. It doesn’t help that even with 2 anti nausea medications, I am constantly sick to my stomach which affects how much I eat or even what I feel like eating. My taste buds are also screwed up due to the medications I take. I am extremely depressed with my weight and very sensitive when someone makes a comment about it. Neil continues to try and be the voice of reason and explain that this is a process that takes time. Obviously, I went through something pretty traumatic with complications left and right which makes recovery that much harder and that much longer.
Saturday, Neil basically yanked me out of bed and forced me to go to the park with him and the kids. I am exhausted an hour after I wake up in the morning and could probably sleep until noon if left alone which is something I have never been able to do. Will helped me get my pants on and Emma got my socks and shoes on. Although it’s the cutest thing watching them help me, inside I cry. It’s sad that my 3 year old and 7 year old have to help me get dressed. I knew that day would come eventually but I figured that would happen closer to being 80 years old not 33! I strapped on my brace, shoved the walker into the trunk and we made our way over to the park. I will admit, it’s definitely nice getting out of the house and lightly pushing Nicky on the swing was the highlight of my day. The awkward stares I get from strangers make me feel so insecure and depressed. I get them EVERYWHERE I go. The physical therapist, who I met this past Thursday for my first out-patient session, said she recognized me from Target two days prior because of my brace and walker and admitted to staring at me and wondering what was wrong with me. I am sure 95% of the people that stare don’t do it to be mean but it still makes me feel sad. Do I need to have a t-shirt made or post a sign on my brace? Maybe a picture of my new titanium spine? I could call myself the Bionic Ballerina.
After we came home from the park, a bomb was dropped on us. Apparently, the state only pays a portion of Neil’s salary for 6 weeks, not the 12 we originally thought and planned for. If it were him that was “sick” they would pay 12 weeks. I have already had stress and anxiety thinking he was going back to work in 5 more weeks. Now Neil needs to return much earlier than anticipated even though I am in no shape to take on the kids and myself without him here. I can’t, by law, even drive since I am still on heavy medications. Just for once it would be nice for things to go smoothly and easily for us. Yeah, I have heard the expressions “Life isn’t easy” and “God only gives you what you can handle” but it really doesn’t help to hear that right now and I could not handle one more tiny pebble of shit on my full plate. Luckily, I have some amazing friends and family who are willing to help us out getting the girls to and from school and babysit the kids and I on the days Neil now needs to work.
I started to finally wean down my heavy medications last week. Ever since then, I have noticed that I get dizzy and have blurred vision for about 4-5 seconds immediately after standing up from a laying or sitting position every time. The last time I had this feeling was the week following my spinal surgery. I hope this doesn’t mean anything scary and I plan to email my surgeon. I haven’t noticed a big difference in pain since the lower dose patch was put on. Every 3 days, Neil takes my old patch off and replaces it with a new one. I feel like Steve Carell when he is getting his chest hair waxed screaming “Kelly Clarkson” every time Neil rips off the patch. You would think that type of pain wouldn’t phase me at this point.
The outing for today was to Babies-R-Us with my 3 boys. It’s crunch time now that Neil needs to go back to work early and we must get organized and plan ahead. Today, I picked out a rocking chair on clearance to put in the playroom at home. Since I can’t sit on the floor to play with the kids, the next best thing was a comfortable chair that I could sit in for a good amount of time while watching them. I am also looking forward to rocking Nicky and reading to him. The manager of the store even knocked some more off the price once she knew why we were looking for a chair. Now if only my handicap placard would get here quickly. Is it sad that I am excited to get the mail each day looking for it? That will be a life changer.
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April
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Always sad leaving our favorite camping spot…we’ve been bringing the kids here 2-3 times a year for the last 5 years and it never gets old. Sure, we could bring them to SoCal, where it’s warmer and packed with a crap ton of people. However, we much prefer the cooler weather (helps with my POTS), rocky cliffs, less people and you travel through the redwood forest (which looks like a storybook). We love it up here and fantasize about moving somewhere like this once Nicky graduates. See you in June Westport….
In my happy place for a long weekend….Comment COAST and I’ll send the link for this cute sweater (comes in East Coast too)!
https://liketk.it/59GmV #ltktravel #ltkstyletip #ltksalealert #coastalstyle #california #oceanview #beachday
Ahhh! Neil and I finished our biggest #diyproject yet! 💪🏻I’m so lucky I’m married to someone who goes along with all my ideas with little complaint 🤣 Our #diy entertainment space features an electric fireplace, frame tv and the biggest showstoppers of all…the #whiteoak mantel and floating shelves from Dakota Timber Co! I’m so in LOVE with how it turned out! #dakotatimbercompany sources their wood from retired buildings, urban tree removals as well as other sustainable sources. The quality is INSANE! Each piece meticulously crafted and ready for install. The mantel and shelves come with detailed instructions, steel brackets that hold 150 lbs or more and six 2.5 inch screws. Did I mention it’s #americanmade 🙌🏻 Right now, they have a BOGO sale on floating shelves and various awesome mantels on sale as well. Head over to my website for ALL the details on building, decor and everything in between!
Ahhh! Neil and I finished our biggest #diyproject yet! 💪🏻I’m so lucky I’m married to someone who goes along with all my ideas with little complaint 🤣 Our #diy entertainment space features an electric fireplace, frame tv and the biggest showstoppers of all…the #whiteoak mantel and floating shelves from @dakotatimberco I’m so in LOVE with how it turned out! #dakotatimbercompany sources their wood from retired buildings, urban tree removals as well as other sustainable sources. The quality is INSANE! Each piece meticulously crafted and ready for install. The mantel and shelves come with detailed instructions, steel brackets that hold 150 lbs or more and six 2.5 inch screws. Did I mention it’s #americanmade 🙌🏻 Right now, they have a BOGO sale on floating shelves and various awesome mantels on sale as well. Head over to my website for ALL the details on building, decor and everything in between!
It’s the ultimate twirling dress! 🙌🏻
Comment TWIRL below to receive a DM with the link to shop this post on my LTK ⬇ https://liketk.it/59b8R #ltkstyletip #ltksalealert
SAVE AND SHARE THIS POST! Check out my Strawberry Cheese Heary Pastries! Perfect for that #galentinesday brunch or for dessert with your loved ones. So yummy and the perfect serving size!
•Preheat oven 400 (this bakes approximately 15 min)
•2 sheets Puff Pastry
•1 egg yolk and 1 egg (for egg wash)
•1 8oz package cream cheese
•1/2 cup sugar
•1 tsp vanilla extract
•10-12 strawberries
Preheat oven to 400 (this will bake for approx. 15 min) Use a heart cookie cutter to cut out your puff pastry hearts and then use a knife to trace a heart into them. Brush on egg wash and set aside. In a bowl, mix cream cheese, vanilla, egg yolk and sugar. Add the cheese mixture to your little hearts (only spreading it up to the line you scored). Add fresh sliced strawberries and bake for 15-20 min! This is SO EASY AND SOOOOO GOOD! #recipeoftheday #danish #dessertrecipe #brunchrecipe #recipereel
SAVE AND SHARE THIS RECIPE! This recipe, by far, was a follower favorite last year! So so easy and omg so good! It’s a great brunch #recipe or dessert!
•store bought puff pastry
•raspberries or raspberry jam (I like fresh fruit better)
•6-8 oz of cream cheese
• 1/2 cup sugar
•1 tsp vanilla extract
•1 egg YOLK only
•powdered sugar
•sliced almonds
Preheat your oven to 400 degrees. Roll out your puff pastry and cut slices down each side (approximately 1 inch) leaving the center intact and set aside. In a bowl, mix cream cheese, sugar, egg and vanilla extract. Place the cheese mixture in the center of your puff pastry ( you may have extra leftover). Sprinkle fresh raspberries on top of the cheese. Fold each side of puff pastry one at a time in a lattice pattern. Brush some egg wash on top. Bake for 25 minutes. Sprinkle powdered sugar and fresh almonds on top for the finishing touch.
This is perfect for Valentines Day and I dare you to try it! #RECIPE #easyrecipe #recipeshare #brunchrecipe #dessert #recipereels
SAVE AND SHARE MY MOST VIEWED RECIPE! This is one of my favorite and most watched recipes and for good reason! My Ham and Cheese Croissant Bake is SOOOO easy to make and perfect for brunch! This can also be frozen and eaten later!
Don’t take my word for it...make it and let me know how fast it was devoured.
•4 large croissants
12-16 oz of cubed ham
•6 oz of shredded gruyere cheese
•6 oz of shredded cheddar cheese
•1/2 cup chopped chives
•6 eggs
•1 cup half and half
•1 tsp. honey
•1 tsp. Dijon mustard
•salt and pepper
Preheat your oven to 375. In a baking dish (spray with non stick spray) add in croissants, ham, cheese and chives. In a separate bowl, whisk together the eggs, half and half, honey, mustard and salt and pepper.
Pour the egg mixture over the bake and press down with a fork. Cover with foil and bake for approximately 50 min. This is such a great family recipe and feeds a good amount of people. So before ya come for me with how much cheese is used ( remember that!
#easyrecipe #breakfastfordinner #recipereels #easterbrunch #brunchrecipes
#AD Who loves a good facial exfoliant?! 🙋🏼♀️ I ran over to Walgreens to get my favorite @stivesskin Apricot Fresh Skin Exfoliating Facial Scrub. It’s made with 100% natural exfoliants (including milled walnut shells and apricot pits), free from parabens and oils and provides a deep cleanse leaving my skin feeling super clean and oh so smooth. I use this 3 times a week and it makes my skin glow. Dermatologist tested and non-comedogenic, vegan and fur baby friendly! It literally checks all the boxes! Want glowing skin? Try #StIves at #Walgreens #StIvespartner
SAVE AND SHARE THIS RECIPE! These ham and cheese hand pies are the perfect #stpatricksday snack! Super easy and so so good! You only need a few ingredients and a cookie cutter!
•clover cookie cutter
•puff pastry sheet
•Dijon mustard
•Swiss cheese
•corned beef (pastrami also tastes great)
•egg for egg wash
Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Use your cookie cutter on the puff pastry. Smear a good amount of Dijon mustard on half of them. Add the corned beef and cheese. Place the puff pastry on top like a sandwich. Using a fork, press down around each clover. Brush egg wash over and poke 4 little holes in the top. Bake in the oven for approximately 20 minutes. These are SOOOO YUMMY and quite a hit in our home! The kids love them! #puffpastry #cornedbeef #easyrecipe
I just binge watched Renovation Aloha and now I NEED another trip to Hawaii. It doesn’t look like it’s in the cards for us this year with Emma going to Boston for singing (we are tagging along for the last week). Buuuutttt, if we were to go……Which is your favorite and why? Big Island or Kauai? We’ve already been to Oahu and Maui and I love each of them for different reasons. PS, I painted all my doors in the house blue on a whim and I think I love them 💙
Comment DENIM and I’ll send you the details! I call this my errand running look….if you are on the fence about this denim jacket….DO IT!
Comment DENIM below to receive a DM with the link to shop this post on my LTK ⬇ https://liketk.it/57uSO #ltkover40 #ltkactive #ltkstyletip #denimjacket #momstyle #momfit
Today was spent cleaning the kitchen, painting the wood countertops for our built-ins, laundry and changed all the air purifier filters. Happy Monday! #hydrangea #blueandwhite #blueandwhiteforever
Comment TUXEDO for the details…. Tuxedo shirt but make it casual…. Also, the jeans linked are my FAVORITE right now.
Comment TUXEDO below to receive a DM with the link to shop this post on my LTK ⬇ https://liketk.it/56Jtw #ltkstyletip #ltkover40 #ltkitbag #tuxedo #momstyle #casualstyle #chloewoody
SAVE AND SHARE MY MOST VIEWED RECIPE! This is one of my favorite and most watched recipes and for good reason! My Ham and Cheese Croissant Bake is SOOOO easy to make and perfect for brunch! This can also be frozen and eaten later!
Don’t take my word for it...make it and let me know how fast it was devoured.
•4 large croissants
12-16 oz of cubed ham
•6 oz of shredded gruyere cheese
•6 oz of shredded cheddar cheese
•1/2 cup chopped chives
•6 eggs
•1 cup half and half
•1 tsp. honey
•1 tsp. Dijon mustard
•salt and pepper
Preheat your oven to 375. In a baking dish (spray with non stick spray) add in croissants, ham, cheese and chives. In a separate bowl, whisk together the eggs, half and half, honey, mustard and salt and pepper.
Pour the egg mixture over the bake and press down with a fork. Cover with foil and bake for approximately 50 min. This is such a great family recipe and feeds a good amount of people. So before ya come for me with how much cheese is used ( remember that!
#easyrecipe #breakfastfordinner #recipereels
This jacket is so darn cozy. Totally bringing this on all our camping trips going forward. 🙌🏻
#happyvalentinesday from Hazel, my feisty little #dappledachshund ♥️
Adding a little sparkle to my #valentinesday look ♥️
Comment LOVE below to receive a DM with the link to shop this post on my LTK ⬇ https://liketk.it/55Hwe
It’s a red Chanel ballet flat kind of day….. ♥️
Can’t believe I forgot to post for #nationalpizzaday on Sunday…🍕🤣 Get this fun look below with my link!
https://liketk.it/55pWw #pizza #valentinesdaylook
Danielle Hayes | 30th Aug 16
If only I could give you some of my metabolism to help you out. There’s no other description than to say this sucks. My heart goes out to you and Neil and I will continue to keep you in my prayers. Sending hugs…Danielle
Carol Edson| 30th Aug 16
love the Bionic Ballerina- I say that might have to be a shirt. Love the photos of you pushing the swing…just beautiful. Sending hugs as you continue this journey…
mapoudret| 30th Aug 16
Hello April!
Your back looks fantastic ! Do you breathe better now since you had the surgery?
Is it possible for your helpers to cook at home? I have two cook books that helped me and my husband to recover. The first one is from a young man who suffered from extreme inflammation of the bowels. He was six foot two and weighed only 110 pounds when he started with a new way of eating. After 40 days, he weighed 140 pounds. After his recovery he studied nutrition and published a book: The Maker’s Diet.
Personally this diet helped my family to stop getting sick every other week. We now have the normal cold maybe once to twice a year and we are healed in two to three days only. The diet helped me also to get my acne under control.
I am using the second ( and third book) since my husband had a severe pancreatitis and a sick, worn out gall bladder . Recipes for IBS. And the 10 days sugarless diet. In one month my husband was able to recover from being an invalid who sleeps all day to a guy who climbed up the trail to the Eagle Lake on top of Emerald Bay faster than the rest of us. Please do tell me if you would like me to write a samples of the recipes .
Respectfully,
Marie-Anne
Kitty Adams| 30th Aug 16
Bionic Ballerina, I love it.
http://gofundme.com/aprilwagner
s. mist | 31st Aug 16
Sorry it has been so hard. People really don’t know what is wrong with you so they are staring probably thinking you had a car accident. I also hate when people say God doesn’t give you what you cant handle. ! My comment to that is that’s why people have nervous breakdowns instead!!! (not that I want you to have one). Your husband was right to make you get up and go to the park. Im sure this is depression definitely setting in from being in the house and not being able to do anything for yourself , plus the meds. Wish I lived closer because I would help. Im home all day and work at night. by the way you do look terrific and straight as an arrow.
PMusis | 2nd Sep 16
You. Are. Awesome! It’s obvious the swelling is starting to go down! Chin up! You can do this!